wondering what could have been doesn’t help anything, but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. 

there are definitely times that i wonder what could have happened if i’d been a bit more reckless (though at the time that didn’t seem possible) and stayed on in new york, somehow. there would have been ways to make it happen, i don’t doubt. stuck around, found an under the table job (or gotten a working holiday visa, somehow), postponed the return to university and life, kept hanging out with mapcap music people.

not that i don’t appreciate things that i have back here. that’s not what i mean. but when i was in new york, in montreal, in everywhere that i went at that time, ANYTHING seemed possible. including the bad things, sure (hello, heartbreak), but the rest of the possibilities were endless too. at least, that’s how it feels, compared to now. i need to know that europe is actually going to happen before i can feel that freedom again, i think, i need to know that the next indefinite period isn’t going to be more of the same - except with a significantly lower amount of day-to-day simple happiness, because of the absence of He Who I Love.

because nights like last night really remind me of that feeling of possibility, and i miss it more than i knew.