wondering what could have been doesn’t help anything, but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. 

there are definitely times that i wonder what could have happened if i’d been a bit more reckless (though at the time that didn’t seem possible) and stayed on in new york, somehow. there would have been ways to make it happen, i don’t doubt. stuck around, found an under the table job (or gotten a working holiday visa, somehow), postponed the return to university and life, kept hanging out with mapcap music people.

not that i don’t appreciate things that i have back here. that’s not what i mean. but when i was in new york, in montreal, in everywhere that i went at that time, ANYTHING seemed possible. including the bad things, sure (hello, heartbreak), but the rest of the possibilities were endless too. at least, that’s how it feels, compared to now. i need to know that europe is actually going to happen before i can feel that freedom again, i think, i need to know that the next indefinite period isn’t going to be more of the same - except with a significantly lower amount of day-to-day simple happiness, because of the absence of He Who I Love.

because nights like last night really remind me of that feeling of possibility, and i miss it more than i knew.

raw thoughts after getting home from the dresden dolls:

good playlist. didn’t get truce, but my other Three Desired Ones (gravity, war pigs and SING) were all played. 

brian is a babe.

the sound is so much more complete and amazing and just fucking rad with the two of them. songs that i’ve heard live like ten times (coin-op, astronaut, etc) totally came alive with drums. 

beastie boys and cabaret covers are rad.

RICHARD O’BRIEN. um. yes. RICHARD O’BRIEN aka riff raff. on stage. performing science fiction double feature and the time warp with the dolls. it was so excellent to see how plainly excited and stoked amanda and brian were.

pretend simpsons character nick cave covers.

brian is a TOTAL BABE.

i think that is all crucial points.

merfismerfi replied to your post: i do think horoscope-y tarot-y things are…

As I see it, they make these things very broad so they could apply to anyone. Sorry bro.

well, yes. that goes without saying, but it’s still fun. and can give cause for self-examination, which is rarely a bad thing, unless it strays into being overly scrutinising. 

i do think horoscope-y tarot-y things are bullshit, but it’s still fun to see when things line up in an appropriate manner. i’ve been going through old gala darling blog posts the last few days, and happened up on one today that had a link to a name analyser thing, and this is what it had to say about BRIAR. 

• Your first name of Briar has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. 

• Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. 

• As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. 

• This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. 

• You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. 

• You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. 

• There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating

• Although the name Briar creates the urge to be creative and original, we point out that is causes frustration through a scattered and emotional nature. 

• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and in tension or accidents to the head.

it’s actually remarkably accurate. some of them aren’t quite me, but for the most part, each point relates to me in some way. IMPRESSIVE. 

something that is kind of exciting (for me, at least) that i forgot to mention - somewhat on the colitis front, i am getting an iron infusion in a few weeks.

my colitis symptoms are (by and large) getting better - i’m still not normal, by any stretch of the imagination, but compared with nine months ago, i’m waaaay better - but i have still been dealing with blood loss (and have been terrible at taking my iron tablets). last blood test they had dipped down enough for my gastrodoc to suggest an infusion as the best course of action. as far as i understand it, i go in to the hospital for a few hours and sit on a drip that will pump me CRAZY FULL of the stuff, to get my levels to normal!person range for several months. i have not had normal!person iron levels for a couple of years now, so i am going to feel SO EXCELLENT AND ENERGISED. at least, that’s the plan.

it’ll be great! i never thought i’d be excited about being on a drip, but hey presto, i’m a different lady to the blood-test-fearing one i was a couple of years ago. if it’s going to make me feel better/help me get better they can prick away.

so there is now a chance (and i really have no idea how much of one, but i’m guessing fairly small) that i might wind up spending the american summer based in boston. 

:O

the museum of fine art is looking for an egyptology graduate for some position. enter dom, stage right. not sure how tricky the visa process and whatnot would be, since he’s not going to be in nz for most of the application process, but still. he just got an a+ for his dissertation, so surely he must be in fairly good standing?

and if he DOES get it, i would naturally come mosey over and stay there too. writing and exploring and hanging out in harvard square (and heading to NYC a LOT as well.)

so here’s hoping. (europe would still happen after, natch.)